Not How That Works: Fly on the Wall

 

Welcome to our monthly Fly on the Wall, a blog post written in snippets. Marcia, Diane, and I invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes, at our writing desks, and in our worlds. Come on in, buzz around, see what we've been up to. Bet you laugh! 

  

Hubs works mostly from home, only going into the office a few days a week. When he's here, there are times when I can talk to him, and other times when he's working on a client's account and can't talk. 

I'd called to him, but he let me know he was in the middle of working on an account, then had to take a zoom call. Since I told him I didn't need to talk to him that minute, he said he'd let me know when he had time to talk.

Later, he came to find me.

Me: Ummm. Well, clearly, I'm not getting enough exercise.

Hubs: That's what you wanted to tell me?
Me: No. I play 13 brain exercise word and number games every day, and I still can't remember what I wanted to talk to you about a couple of hours ago.

This is the month of April Fools Day. Of course, I had to play a trick on Hubs.

Me: April Fools!

Hubs: What do you mean April Fools? 

Me: I mean April Fools!

Hubs: But you already played an April Fools prank on me in March. You said you were trying to catch me off guard.

Me: And I did, but now it actually is April.

Hubs: But it's not April 1st, it's April 12th.

Me: Surprise!

 

 

Hubs was out doing errands when he called me:

Hubs: Guess what I just found out?
Me: What?
Hubs: I have the same birthday as Taylor Swift.

Me (kinda surprised that he even knows who she is): How did you find that out?

Hubs: I have a sports talk show on in the car, and they were talking about Travis Kelce, and then mentioned her, and somehow her birthday came up, and it's the same as mine.

Me: Oh. OK. Umm . . . congratulations?
Hubs: Well, I mean same day, not the same year.

Me: Well, thanks for clearing that up for me.

Hubs: I wonder if I'm related to her.

Me: I don't think that's how it works . . .

 

 

Hubs was eating breakfast when I looked over and started laughing. 

Hubs: What are you laughing at?

Me: That's not how that works.

Hubs: Eating breakfast?

Me: No, the mathematical concept of 100%.

Hubs: Huh?

Me: Read the large white writing on your juice label.

Hubs (reading): 100% juice. Apple. 

Me: Now read the hard to read, thin black writing below.

Hubs (straining to read): With added ingredients . . . yeah, I think you're right, I'm pretty sure that's not how 100% works.

Hubs had been working out in the front yard. He'd been out there quite a while so I decided to just check on him. 

On the way back in the house, I looked down at the front doormat, then turned around to call out to him.

Me: Don't you think this is a bit extreme?

Hubs: What?

Me: If you're hungry, no need to take a bite out of the doormat. Come on inside, I've got cake.

Black Cherry Cake

You all probably know by now that I take advantage of every opportunity to encourage my son to come visit. He spends a few weeks here at holiday time, and sometimes in the spring I get a week or two with him, but I miss him always.

It was his birthday recently. I wouldn't be able to talk to him until that night, but I did send him a happy birthday text with this picture:

PurDude: Thank you for the birthday wishes, but why did you send me a picture of the kitchen?

Me: It's a picture of the new microwave.

PurDude: Oh, that's nice.

Me: It's your birthday present. You should come try it out.

PurDude: Nice try, mom.

 

I often talk about mistakes I make while trying to text . . . let's say quicker than my efficiency allows. Sometimes I catch them, other times I'm embarrassed when the recipient points them out.

I, unfortunately, mostly make these mistakes when texting with my son, which we do each day. And it's a good thing I double checked before sending this one.

Let me just give you this piece of advice. When texting your son about someone being "down for the count" do not, I repeat, DO NOT, leave the "o" out of the word count.

I was watching one of my murder mystery shows, when Hubs comes into the den and sits down.

Hubs: What are you watching?
Me: A murder mystery, pretty much all I watch.

Hubs: Fact or fiction?
Me: This one is fact.

Hubs: Who got murdered?
Me: A bank manager. The police are gathering information. They got bank records, and cell phone records for both he and his wife.

As the detectives read through the wife's texts, they find one to her brother.

Cop (reading the text): Tonight. I have to kill him tonight.

Me (to Hubs): And you thought I was bad.

I wasn't feeling well, and by early evening I was worn out. I planned to gather everything I needed, put it all on the side table next to the couch, settle in on the couch in front of the TV for a few hours and not move.

I got everything together, settled in, and got comfortable. I reached over to get my tissue, and couldn't find it. On the side table was my water, acetaminophen, cough drops . . . no tissue.

I heard Hubs coming up from the man cave. When he hit the top of the stairs:

Me (angrily): What did you do with my tissue?
Hubs: {{blink, blink}}. 

Me: Well?

Hubs: I'm trying to figure out how to answer you.

Truth is, even after all these years, he still rarely knows how to answer me. Poor guy.

Hubs was out doing an errand and called me before coming home.

Hubs: I'm done with my errand and I'm right next door to the grocery store, do you need anything?

Me: Actually, I'm running really low on paper towels. I use Bounty.

Hubs comes home from the store:

Hubs: There were 2 kinds of Bounty. One is called Bounty Essentials and it costs about half of the regular Bounty paper towels. They say "strong, soft, affordable," is that what you wanted?

Me: Never heard of Essentials.

Hubs: Then I saved us a lot of money. You're welcome.

The next day:

Hubs: Did you try those paper towels I bought?

Me: Yes.

Hubs: How are they?

Me: I suppose they're OK, as long as . . .

Hubs: As long as what?
Me: As long as you don't need them to . . . you know . . . absorb anything.

 

Now click on the links below and see what my friends have to share:

Menopausal Mother 

On the Border

Blaxk Cherry Cake

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 box (15.25 oz) white cake mix

1 1/4 cups milk

1/2 cup oil

4 egg whites

1 container (5.3 oz) black cherry yogurt

1 box (.3 oz) sugar free black cherry jello powder, divided

1/3 cup frozen pitted black cherries

8 oz cream cheese, softened

3/4 stick butter, softened

3 cups powdered sugar

remaining 1 1/2 tsp jello powder

up to 3 TBSP milk

Directions:
*Defrost the cherries and chop. Pat dry and set aside.

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 9 X 13 baking dish.

*Beat the cake mix, 1 1/4 cup milk, oil, egg whites, yogurt, and 2 tsp jello powder for 2 minutes. Fold in the chopped cherries.
*Pour evenly into the prepared pan and bake for about 35 minutes, until the center springs back to the touch. Cool completely.

*Beat the cream cheese and butter until smooth. Slowly, until incorporated, beat in the powdered sugar and remaining 1 1/2 tsp jello powder. Beat in the milk, 1 TBSP at a time, until the frosting is spreading consistency. 

*Spread the frosting on the cooled cake, decorate as desired.

*Store, covered, in refrigerator. Bring to room temperature for serving.

March in March: Fly on the Wall

 

Welcome to our monthly Fly on the Wall, a blog post written in snippets. Marcia, Diane, and I invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes, at our writing desks, and in our worlds. Come on in, buzz around, see what we've been up to. Bet you laugh! 

February was finally over, the first day of March was here and I was excited. It had been a cold windy February, well, with a few very weird, almost hot day thrown in there just to keep us on our toes. I was more than ready for the month in which Spring would officially start.

On that day, I decided to play a joke on Hubs. I filled the coffee pot (yes, we still use a coffee pot) with root beer. Once it was flat, it looked like coffee.

Hubs (spitting his "coffee" into the sink): What the hell?
Me: April fools!

Hubs: That's next month!

Me: Caught you off guard, didn't I? 

It's no secret that I watch a lot of Boston sports. Not only am I a big fan of my home teams, but as an added bonus, the announcers are often as entertaining as the game.

Watching a Bruins hockey game in the late afternoon, I started laughing. Hubs was there, but paying more attention to his cell than to the game.

Hubs: What's so funny?

Me: How much do these announcers get paid?
Hubs: Probably a lot, why?
Me: I think I could do that job.

Hubs: What makes you think that?
Me: The brilliant statistical insight from this announcer.

Hubs: What did he say?
Me: As you know, the Bruins are up 1 - 0 in the third quarter. The announcer just told us that in this season, when the Bruins are ahead by 1 in the third quarter they either win . . . or they lose.

Hubs: You should send in an application.

I've talked a few times, at this time of year, about how much damage woodpeckers do to the side of our house. When we hear them, we have to keep running outside and shooing them away, but they still do a lot of damage.

A couple of weeks ago, I heard them on the side of the house for the first time since last year. I yelled to Hubs, who went outside to scare him off.

Me: Oh, no, here we go again, thousands of dollars worth of damage.

Hubs: Every spring, they come out of the woods and attack the houses along the woods line.

Me: Listen, you better go out there and have a talk with him?

Hubs: What would you like me to tell him?

Me: That we set our clocks forward, not our calendars

Hubs: Huh?

Me: It's only March 6, there are 13 more days until spring. The least he can do is abide by the rules of engagement.

Hubs: I'll be sure to mention that. Don't get your hopes up, though.

College Boy had decided he was hungry at about 10:30 pm. There were some leftover wings in the fridge so he stuck them in the air fryer. 

He came upstairs, Hubs was sleeping and I was reading my Kindle.

College Boy: Mom, I need you to come downstairs.

Me: No, I'm in bed, I'm warm, and I'm comfortable, just tell me what you want.

College Boy: I need to show you.

Me (exasperated): Just tell me.

College Boy (sounding exasperated with me): Fine. A big flash, sparks, I got shocked . . .

I had no idea I could still run that fast. I need to try out for the Olympic track team.

Me: Love you.

Hubs: Love you more.

Me: Always.

Hubs: 24/7, 365.

Me: Well, that's hurtful, but I guess it's best I know.

Hubs: What?
Me: Apparently, there's a day I'm unloved.

Hubs: What do you mean. I said 365?

Me: It's a leap year.

Apple Jelly Ham & Cheese

I was sitting at the desk in the kitchen. I keep a large calendar there, with everyone's schedule on it, each with our own color ink. I could not figure out why the schedules weren't working out. Then I finally figured out I hadn't switched over, and was looking at February.

Me (yelling): March!

I hadn't realized that at that moment, Hubs had come upstairs from the man cave. He turns the corner and walks into the kitchen, high stepping, with a confused look on his face.

Hubs: Well fine, I'll march, but I'm getting old, not sure how long I can keep this up.

I thought about telling him I was actually talking about the month, but watching him try to keep that marching thing up was just too much fun.

 

My mom has a few friends who she's known all her life. Obviously, my sister and I know them too.

One of them, a man in his 90s, friended me on FB years ago. And although he joined, and obviously he tries, he doesn't seem to get it. Often he will post something to his wall that is clearly meant just for one person, seemingly part of a conversation they were having. 

Usually, I just ignore it and move on. But last week he made a particularly confusing post to his wall.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not how this works.

Hubs printed out a March Madness basketball bracket for me to fill out. Out of all the teams, I only follow one, Purdue, so . . . let's just say I don't pick game winners the way most people do. It's more a matter of states I like or I've been to, or don't whole heartedly supposrt a rapist for president.

Me: I filled out my bracket. It'll make sense to no one but me.

Hubs: Pretty much everything you say makes sense to no one but you.

Me: Hey! That's mean.

Hubs: And true . . .

Me: And true.

We'd had a few warm days, and Hubs and I had been outside getting a head start on weeding in the gardens one Saturday morning.

That afternoon, we were in the den and heard a very loud noise.

Me: What is that? Sounds like it's coming from out back.

Hubs: Sounds like a chainsaw.

Me (looking out the back window): That crazy woman next door is out back weeding her garden with a chainsaw.

Hubs: You're kidding.

Me: No, she's just chopping all of her flowers and plants down.

Hubs: You should go tell her that's not how this weeding thing works.

Me: Have you recently taken out more life insurance out on me? 

Hubs (looking confused): No. Why would you ask me that?

Me: Well, let me tell you now, I'm not going out there and telling her what to do. Not on a good day, but certainly not when she's holding a chainsaw.

Our trash pickup is every Monday, but the recycle is picked up every other Monday. The day after it had been picked up, I noticed that the neighbor's trash can had been brought in, but his recycle bin was at the curb.

Me: I wonder why they have their recycle bin at the curb?

Hubs: Maybe they think it's Monday. 

On Wednesday:
Me: That's so strange, their recycle bin is still sitting at the curb.

Hubs: Maybe they think it's Monday.

This went on, on Thursday, and Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday. Now, I'm not saying I don't get days confused myself, but I've never thought every day was Monday.

Then on Monday:

Me: They brought their trash can out today, like the rest of us, but their recycle bin is still there.

Hubs: Well, it is Monday.

Me: I'll give them that. But it's the wrong Monday.

Hubs: Maybe they're just playing the odds, it'll be the right day eventually.

Me: Ah . . . the old "a broken clock is right . . ." strategy.

Hubs: Either that or the "hell with it, I'm too lazy to keep dragging it in and out" strategy. 

I know Hubs can relate to that one.

 

Now click on the links below and see what my friends have to share:

Menopausal Mother 

On the Border

Apple Jelly Ham & Cheese

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients (makes 2):

8 slices leftover spiral sliced ham (can use thick sliced deli ham)

1/3 cup apple jelly

1 TBSP sweet hot mustard

4 slices seeded rye bread

4 slices baby Swiss cheese

1 TBSP butter

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 225 degrees. Wrap the ham in tin foil and heat in the oven for 15 minutes.

*Whisk together the apple jelly and sweet hot mustard. Spread evenly onto the 4 slices of bread. Add a slice of Swiss on top of each.

*Remove the warm ham from the oven. Construct the sandwiches by dividing the ham onto 2 slices of the bread. Top with the last 2 slices, cheese side down.

*Heat the butter over medium heat in a large skillet. Add the sandwiches side by side, and heat, pressing them down with a spatula now and then, until the bottom is browned.

*Lower the temperature a notch, flip the sandwich over and cook, pressing down lightly now and then, until the other side has browned. Serve warm.

Soap or Soup: Fly on the Wall

Welcome to our monthly Fly on the Wall, a blog post written in snippets. Marcia, Diane, and I invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes, at our writing desks, and in our worlds. Come on in, buzz around, see what we've been up to. Bet you laugh! 

Hubs was leaving for work and, as he always does, asks me if I need anything while he's out. I rarely do, but I'd been having trouble finding eggs and we were running low so I aked him, if he was going to be near a grocery store, to see what he could find.

Later, I hear him coming in through the garage door and hanging his coat up in the closet.

Hubs (calling from the hallway): Guess what I got?

Me (calling back from the den): Eggs?

Hubs: No, even better.

Me: Better? what did you get?
Hubs: Munchkins.

Me: Ummm . . . like little people?

Hubs: No, like donut holes.

That IS better, but I don't think I'll be scrambling them for breakfast any time soon.

Later that week, he was leaving again.

Hubs: I'm going into the office for a little while, do you need anything?
Me: Yes.

Hubs: OK, I'll stop on the way home, what do you need?
Me: Summer.

Hubs' tire needed air and the pump was broken at the gas station where he usually goes. He wasn't sure where he should try next. I suggested googling it. 

Hubs: I found a place that's close, but I can't picture it. It says it's at the corner of 120th and Jones.

Me: Yes, you know the place.

Hubs: I do?

Me: Yes, if you go up Jones, it's on the left, there's a gas station and a few store fronts. You used to get your hair cut there.

Hubs: I never got my hair cut at a gas station.

OK, now do you see what I'm dealing with here?

A fly, a few days ago, would have seen me giggiling now and then, for no apparent reason.

I had been reading a book on my Kindle and I was starting to question whether English was the writer's first language. Some of the wording seemed odd. I wasn't quite sure until:

Either this book was taking a sharp turn into some kind of kink, or somethng here has gotten lost in the translation.

But it really was funny.

Hubs had an early morning meeting in the next town over, and it just so happens there's a Dunkin' drive-thru on the way home. I've already mentioned that he'd brought some of their Munchkins home a few weeks ago.

I was in our office on our bank website paying bills when I noticed, in our account, a debit for that day. At Dunkin'.

Hubs comes home, I can't see him from the office, but I hear him hanging up his coat.

Hubs (calling out from the hallway): I have

Me (interrupting him): I know.

Hubs: You know?

Me: I know.

Hubs: What do you know?
Me: You stopped at Dunkin'.

Hubs: How do you know that?

Me: I have ESPN.

Hubs: You mean ESP.

Me: I know.

Caramel Apple Crumble

Later that afternoon, Hubs came in after having run a few errands. I had been in the kitchen, finally trying out a recipe (for a Caramel Apple Crumble with Rolo candies melted inside) that had been running around in my head.

Me (talking to Hubs as he hung up his coat): I made a pie.

Hubs: I know.

Me: How do you know?
Hubs: I know.

Me: Do you have ESPN too?
Hubs: No, I have a nose.

 

Hubs was at work, I knew he was busy, had a lot of paperwork to do, a meeting, and a few client appointments, so I was surprised, midmorning, to get a text from him:

Hubs: I forgot before I left the house, can you put some soup in the shower?

Me: Interesting, is that something kinky?
Hubs. Oh, umm, soap.

Me: Less interesting . . . but still could be kinky.

I had made a big pot of my Crockpot Italian Soup. After dinner, I put the leftovers into containers to freeze. The spare freezer is in the basement, in a room off of the man cave, so whenever Hubs plans to go downstairs in the evening, he takes whatever I want moved to the freezer.

Hubs: Do you want me to take the leftover soup downstairs?
Me: Yes, unless . . .

Hubs: Unless?
Me: Well, unless you'd rather take it up to the shower.

Hubs: Very funny.

Me: Maybe after you run out to the gas station to get your hair cut . . .

I still order many shelf items for pick up from the local grocery store. It's a lot easier for me to just go in personally for the meat and perishables.

Hubs: Is our grocery order ready? I can head out now.

Me: I ordered them for Tuesday, like I always do.

Hubs: And . . . 

Me: I'm pretty sure today's only Monday.

Hubs: Oh yeah, I don't have to go until tomorrow.

Me: Either that or take a blanket and a pillow. 

I teased Hubs about his soap/soup text, but I (as usual) had one of those kinds of texts myself recently.

Me: What is your current jail status?

PurDude: I'm at home, no orange jumpsuit and no bars on the door.

I didn't realize what I'd typed until I read his answer. So, the back story:

PurDude had our address listed on most of his paperwork. He's updated, but his health insurance keeps getting overlooked. His 2024 health insurance card had come here so I was going to send it. Until he said that he couldn't get into his mailbox.

I asked when that would be fixed, and he said he only gets mail on Hanukkah and his birthday, so he wasn't going to bother. After multiple arguments and knowing, since I got the EOBs from when he went to urgent care in November, he'd be getting bills he should not ignore, I started arguing with him about reporting the issue. He finally agreed, and I was waiting to send him his insurance card until I knew he could receive it. 

So, mail. I wasn't asking about his jail status (yikes), I was trying to ask about his current mail status.

 

Now click on the links below and see what my friends have to share:

Menopausal Mother   

On the Border

Caramel Apple Crumble

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 pie crust and 1 TBSP flour OR a frozen deep dish pie crust

1/2 stick butter, room temperature

1/2 cup flour

1/3 cup brown sugar

12 Rolo candies, unwrapped

5 tart or semi-tart apples, I use Braeburn or Cosmic Crisps

1/2 cup sugar

1 TBSP caramel syrup

1/2 tsp orange zest

2 TBSP flour

1/4 tsp salt

1/4 tsp apple pie spice blend

Directions

*Freeze the Rolos. If using a frozen pie crust, defrost the crust.

*Mix together the butter, 1/2 cup flour, and the brown sugar until it comes together. Roll into plastic wrap and refrigerate.

*Place a large piece of tin foil on the middle rack of the oven and preheat to 425 degrees.

*If using a refrigerated or fresh pie crust: spread 1 TBSP flour over the pie crust. Flip the crust over into a deep dish pie pan so the flour is on the bottom. Fit the crust into the bottom and up the sides of the pan. Crimp the edges.

*Peel, core, and cut the apples into 16 slices each. Mix with sugar, caramel syrup, orange zest, remaining flour, salt, and the apple pie spice blend. Place about 1/3 of the apples into the prepared crust, just covering the bottom. Mix the frozen rolos into the remaining apple mixture and spread evenly onto the apples in the crust.

*Place the pie on the tin foil in the oven and bake for 30 minutes. Just before the 30 minute mark, remove the butter mixture from the refrigerator and slice (it will crumble).

*Remove the pie from the oven, leaving the oven on. Dot the butter mixture onto the top of the pie. Use a pie shield to cover the edges of the crust. Return the pie to the oven for 25 - 35 minutes, depending on how soft you like your apples.

*Cool to warm or room temperature before slicing.